


A Fickle Thing

by AnnaTheHank



Series: Soft Convin [3]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, Temporary Character Death, You have no idea the struggle to write this it hurts, as it always will cause I'm a sob, but it has a good ending, but sitll tag it just incase, it's okay he comes back to life, wow I'm so sorry for the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 16:52:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17410652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaTheHank/pseuds/AnnaTheHank
Summary: Connor says "I love you." Things fall apart





	A Fickle Thing

**Author's Note:**

> It's like, super ridiculously angsty in the middle AND I"M SORRY   
> I literally sat on this story for like, two weeks cause I just can't write angst. Thanks to Panda and Fury for the help tho

It was the first Valentine’s day in his whole life that Gavin actually had a guy to celebrate with, and here he was, working. 

“This is stupid,” Gavin said, crossing his arms. 

Chris smirked at him and knocked on the door. They stood on the rotting porch of some house just outside of the city. They had gotten a tip from a neighbor that this guy was involved with their most recent murder investigation. 

Gavin looked at his watch. He was supposed to get off duty in twenty minutes, where he would go home to Connor waiting for him at his apartment. Instead, he was here, waiting in the light drizzle for some possible suspect.

Chris knocked on the door again, this time a bit louder. “Detroit Police. Open up.”

Both bodies stiffened as they heard a scuffle from inside. Then a bangling, like plastic against wood. Chris and Gavin exchanged looks.

“Back door?” Chris asked.

Gavin nodded. “Back door.”

They jogged around to the side of the house, where they spotted a man running through the backyard. 

“Hey, Asshole!” Gavin shouted. The man looked over his shoulder, saw them, and turned back, running even fast towards the small hill leading to another street. “Fucking great.”

Gavin chased after the man, easily catching up to the guy who had clearly been on Red Ice before they showed up. Gavin grabbed at him, catching a hold of the man’s arm right before he reached the top of the hill. 

The man spun around, trying to shove Gavin off. They both lost their footing. Gavin fell forward, pulling the criminal closer in an attempt to maintain a hold of him. They tumbled down the hill, the other man shoving and kicking at Gavin as they fell.

They hit the bottom hard. Gavin’s shoulder took the brunt of the force and he saw a flash of black as a shock of fiery pain shot through his arm. He cried out, increasing his grip on the criminal’s shirt with his non-bust arm.

“Reed!” Chris called, running gingerly down the hill. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Gavin said through clenched teeth, a nerve of pain tingling in his shoulder. “Get this asshole.”

Chris grabbed the struggling man and pinned him to the ground, reading off his rights as he handcuffed him. Gavin forced himself to sit up, reaching to his shoulder. It burned with a new pain when he touched it.

“Fuck,” he said, breathing through his nose to stop himself from throwing up. He blinked back the black spots in his vision.

“I’m calling an ambulance,” Chris said, pulling out his phone.

“It’s fine,” Gavin grumbled.

“You dislocated your shoulder, Gavin. That’s not fine.”

Gavin groaned and looked down at the man, who was squirming in his cuffs, still lying on the floor. “I hope you enjoy jail, Asshole.”

-

Gavin turned the key to his apartment but the door opened before he could grab the doorknob. He was pulled in, smothered in a hug, door still open, keys still in the lock.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Connor said, squeezing Gavin’s body. “Chris told me everything.”

“I’m fine,” Gavin said, his face squished, his voice muffled. 

Connor pulled back, holding onto Gavin’s arms. “He said you dislocated your shoulder. You know, most people black out or throw up from that kind of impact.” Connor’s eyes wandered up and down Gavin’s body, settling on his shoulder. “Your tolerance for pain is...inspiring.”

Gavin chuckled and Connor’s face flushed. Connor stepped back a bit, clearing his throat. “Take off your shirt,” he said.

Gavin raised an eyebrow at him, smirking and shrugging his coat off. “You sure don’t waste any time.” 

Connor stepped forward, grabbing the hem of Gavin’s shirt. “Not for that,” he said, pulling the fabric off Gavin’s body. He folded the shirt loosely. “Is your mind always in the gutter, Detective?”

“With a boyfriend like you, who can blame me?”

Connor smiled softly and spun Gavin around, hands finding the tenderness of Gavin’s shoulder. Gavin felt a radiation of warmth at that spot, and Connor’s fingers methodically poked and prodded at the muscle beneath the skin.

“Damn, Connor,” Gavin sighed. “That feels fucking amazing.”

Connor leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss to the back of Gavin’s neck. 

Gavin smirked. “I guess I’m going to have to get hurt more often, huh?”

Connor’s grip tightened on Gavin’s shoulder, pulling him back against Connor’s chest. “You better not,” he growled in Gavin’s ear, hot breath making the man shiver. 

Gavin spun around, wrapping his arms around Connor’s neck. Connor placed his hands on Gavin’s waist, staring into his eyes. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” Gavin said.

Connor smiled and tilted his head for a kiss. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“I uh,” Gavin chuckled, “I’ve never had anyone to spend it with before.”

Connor rested his forehead against Gavin’s. “Me either,” he said.

The two of them laughed and Connor pulled away slightly. 

“I made you dinner,” he said. “I’ve been keeping it warm in the oven for you.”

“You didn’t have to do that, Con.”

“I know. I wanted to.”

Gavin pulled him back closer, placing a strong, and long, kiss to his lips. Connor pulled back, leaving Gavin a panting mess. 

“You really should eat first,” Connor said. His face turned into a delicious, sinful smirk. “You’ll need your energy.”

-

“Here,” Connor said, shifting his body under Gavin, resting the man half on him and half on the bed. He placed his hands back on Gavin’s shoulder, massaging it gently.

“You don’t have to do that,” Gavin said, relaxing into the position anyway.

“It’s important to keep your shoulder muscle lose to avoid any adverse side effects,” Connor said. He kissed Gavin’s temple. “Especially after any strenuous activity.”

Gavin laughed, closing his eyes and sighing. It was a shitty day, but a perfect evening. He felt a warmth, and not just from Connor’s hands on his skin. It was a warmth from deep inside, some ball of radiance extending out from his chest all the way down to his toes.

Then Connor had to go and ruin everything.

“Gavin,” he said, in his voice that was far away, his mind thinking. Gavin could practically see the LED on his face spinning yellow.

“Hmm?” Gavin could feel the heaviness of sleep taking over him. He had to force himself to pay attention to Connor’s words.

“Well, Hank’s been helping me figure out all this...human stuff.”

Gavin creaked his eyes open, squinting at the ceiling. “Exactly how much do you tell him about us?”

Connor was quiet for a while. “I don’t think you want to know.”

Gavin groaned. “Great.” He sighed. “Well, does he at least give you good advice?”

“It does tend to be helpful.”

“Yeah. He’s surprisingly good at that. So what, human stuff are you having trouble with?”

“Mainly emotions.” Connor shifted, wrapping his arms around Gavin, letting his fingers trail over Gavin’s chest. Gavin melted into it. “Hank says that it’s best to express them as you have them, especially to the people you feel them about.”

Gavin nodded, humming softly at Connor’s gentle touch. “That’s usually a good thing yeah. Some shit about how bottling it up just turns thing sour or whatever.”

Connor’s fingers stuttered a bit. “You don’t agree?”

“It’s a good thing to do, Connor,” Gavin said. “But, you know me, I’m not the best at following that particular advice.”

“True. But, I still have something I should probably say to you.”

“Well, go on.”

“Gavin…”

“Yes.”

“I...I love you.” A slight pause. “I think.”

“Oh.” Gavin’s body went cold, a hard lump forming in his throat. “That’s...a thing.”

“Yes,” Connor said, his voice steady, his arms and fingers still. He pulled his arms back, still letting Gavin rest against him but no longer touching him. “I suppose it is.”

They laid there in silence. Gavin kept opening his mouth to say something, but he didn’t know what to say. That cold, lumpy feeling in his chest grew and grew until he was shivering under the covers. 

Gavin clenched his eyes shut, trying to force himself to sleep. An hour passed before he was able to get tired again. Another half hour before he slipped into the blissfulness that was being unconscious.

-

Gavin woke up cold and alone. His alarm was blaring at him and he rolled over, slapping it off. He rolled around, hands searching for the body he knew wouldn’t be there. He groaned, feeling a painful stiffness in his shoulder. He wished Connor was there to massage it, kissing the back of his neck as his fingers worked that magic. 

But after what Gavin said last night, or rather, didn’t say, he couldn’t blame the android for choosing to leave. He’d probably have left too if that happened to him. He wouldn’t have even waited for the other guy to fall asleep before slipping away.

But Connor was perfect in that way. And Gavin kept fucking it up. 

His alarm started beeping again and Gavin forced himself to get up and shower. He almost half-expected to see Connor in his kitchen, cooking him some kind of breakfast as he usually did. 

But he wasn’t there, of course. And Gavin had to settle for a slightly suspicious looking bagel to eat, making a mental note that he needed to go shopping. He checked his phone before getting in the car, hoping that maybe Connor had called or left a text. But, of course, nothing.

Gavin grumbled his way through the morning traffic, letting the small pain in his shoulder fuel his terrible feelings even more. Sure, he could have just stretched it a bit, self-massaged it, and it would be fine. He could have even taken some medicine. But he deserved it. He had had a guy who would have helped and he fucked it up. He deserved to be in pain.

He somehow managed to make it to work on time, despite all odds. His baggy eyes and hunched over posture made anyone in his way skitter to the side, everyone eager to not get caught in his wrath.

He dropped his bag off at his desk and made a beeline for the coffee machine, grabbing two cups for himself. It was a mega caffeine kind of morning. He heard a familiar huff and refused to turn around, staring at the wall as he sipped at his first cup.

“Usually you’re so happy go lucky after a night with Connor,” Hank said, chuckling a bit. “And I thought it’d be extra after Valentine’s Day.”

“Don’t act like he didn’t go running off to tell you everything,” Gavin said, squinting at the wall, the tiles blurring together at his intense focus.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh? You guys actually talk about something other than our relationship?”

Hank grabbed Gavin’s arm, turning him around. “What the fuck are you talking about, Reed?”

“I’m sure he told you all about it this morning.”

Hank crossed his arms. “I haven’t seen Connor this morning.”

“He’s not here already?” 

“He didn’t come in with you?”

Gavin swallowed hard, a vice gripping at his chest. He shook his head, eyes full of worry looking to Hank.

“Okay, well, don’t worry,” the older man said. “He’s Connor, he’s fine. I’m sure he’s just taking some time off to...blow off steam? What happened last night?”

Gavin sighed, closing his eyes to the fluorescent lights and gulping down his coffee. “Just me being an idiot, as per usual.”

“Alright, Mr. Dramatic.” Hank grabbed his shoulders and steered Gavin out of the office, the brisk air waking them both up. 

“Where are we going?” Gavin asked. “We do have work to do, you know?”

“Just a walk around the block,” Hank said. “Fresh air will do you good.” They fell in next to each other, walking along in slow paces. “Now, tell me what happened.”

Gavin studied his empty coffee cup, spinning it a little, the small drops of coffee swirling at the bottom. “Connor told me he loved me.”

Hank stopped walking, but Gavin continued, brooding over the night’s events. Eventually, Hank caught up.

“So what stupid thing did you say?” 

Gavin sighed. “I don’t remember. But it was stupid. I mean, Jesus, this great guy tells me he loves me and I just, fucking...fuck it up.”

Hank placed a hand on Gavin’s shoulder. “Do you love him back, though?”

“I don’t think so,” Gavin said. The suspicious bagel sat in his stomach like a weight. He closed his eyes, groaning at the sick in his stomach. “God, I’m terrible.”

“Hey, hey.” Hank stopped him, pulling back. “Gavin, it’s okay not to love him.”

Gavin shook his head. “No, it’s not. I’m a jerk, Hank. I’m a fucking wreck and I don’t know what the hell he ever saw in me in the first place.”

“Gavin, you idiot, listen to me.” Hank grabbed Gavin’s shoulders, forcing him to look up. “People fall in love at different rates. Just because you don’t love Connor doesn’t mean you don’t still want to be with him.”

“But it’s not fair to him,” Gavin said. “He deserves someone who’s going to love him.”

“Gavin you may be extremely emotionally stunted but you really are a fucking idiot.”

“Is this supposed to be making me feel better?”

Hank shook him a little, the drops of coffee in his cup bouncing around. “Just because you don’t love Connor now doesn’t mean you won’t in the future, you big baby.”

Gavin squinted at him. “No, I don’t think that’s how that works.”

“Well, have you ever been in love?” Hank asked. Gavin shook his head. “Exactly. Take it from someone who knows. You’re going to be fine.”

They started walking again. “But what should I do now? I think I really hurt him.”

“He’s still getting used to emotions,” Hank said. “But he’s also strong. I’m sure he’s just taking some time to think things over. You’ll get the opportunity to apologize for being a colossal idiot.”

“Gee, thanks.” 

They finished their walk around the block but when they got back to the office, and more importantly to Gavin’s coffee, Connor still wasn’t there. 

“We should call him right?” Gavin asked. Hank looked troubled, checking his own phone for messages. “I’m gonna call him.”

Gavin fished his phone out of his bag and dialed Connor’s number, tapping his foot on the ground as he listened to it ring. He was about ready to give it up when the other line clicked.

“I can’t talk right now,” Connor said. His voice sounded off and there was a strange clicking noise behind it.

“Connor, look, I’m sorry, I-”

“Not now.” Connor’s voice was firm. “I’m at work.”

Gavin scrunched his eyebrows together, spinning around, looking for him. “I don’t see you anywhere.”

“There’s a hostage situation at the complexes on fifth,” Connor said. “I have to go we’re getting ready to move in.”

“Wait, Connor! What?” But Connor had already hung up the phone. Wild-eyed, Gavin looked up to Hank.

“What’s going on?” Hank asked. “Is Connor okay?”

“I have to go.” Gavin grabbed his Jacket and raced out of the building. Fifth was only a few blocks away, Connor had probably walked to work and run into the whole situation. And being the model he was, he had gotten roped into everything. 

Gavin ran to the building, catching the last of the team as they were putting on their vests and grabbing their guns.

“Connor!” Gavin called out before the android could slip through the side door. 

Connor turned, studying Gavin with a concerned face. “What are you doing here.”

Gavin pulled up next to him. He doubled over, panting. “What are...you doing here?” he said.

“I don’t have time for this Gavin,” Connor said. He adjusted his vest, his face returning to its cold, analytic work-face.

“Fuck it.” Gavin reached into the back of the van, pulling out a vest and strapping it to himself.

“You are not assigned to this case, Detective,” Connor said. 

Gavin pulled his pistol out of its holder. “I’m not letting you go in there without backup.” He pushed his way past Connor, entering the side stairwell of the building.

“There are other officers present,” Connor said, standing at the doorway. “You really shouldn’t be here.”

“Which floor are we going to?” Gavin started climbing the stairs, looking back at Connor with raised eyebrows. 

Connor sighed, steadying his gun and following after him. “Four.”

Gavin nodded and steadied his gun in his hands as he walked up. He opened his mouth to say something to Connor, about last night, about his non-existing feelings and his fear that he would never be able to actually love anyone ever. But Connor had been partially right, this really wasn’t the time for it.

Gavin reached the landing to the fourth floor. He held his gun up to his face, ready to kick the hallway door in, when Connor not so gently pushed past him.

“Hey,” Gavin said.

“You should not be here, Detective,” Connor said. “In the event of a shooting it would not be wise for you to be at the front.”

“Oh, and it is for you?” Gavin asked, stepping up in Connor’s face.

“Kindly step back, Detective,” Connor said, his face remaining emotionless in an annoying way that made Gavin want to punch him. He just wanted the android to get mad at him. 

“Fine.” Gavin gave in, stepping back and grumbling to himself.

“Thank you,” Connor said. He adjusted his tie, earning him an eye-roll from Gavin, and proceeded to open the door with his hand, pushing it slowly open, aiming his gun down the hallway.

Once he was sure there was no one in the hallway, he proceeded walking, gun trained forward, eyes glancing around. Gavin followed after him, ears straining for sound. They both stopped when they heard a gunshot from the floor above them.

A stifled scream escaped from the third door down on their left. 

Connor glanced back at him and Gavin nodded, adjusting his grip on his gun and following the android down the hall. They stood on opposite sides of the door. Gavin went to move but Connor shook his head at him and he settled back against the wall with a glare. 

Connor positioned himself in front of the door and slammed his foot into, breaking the latch and sending the door swinging in. Gavin swirled around, following Connor into the living room. They both stopped, guns trained on the man holding the woman with an arm around her neck.

“One more move and she gets it!” the man said, shoving the barrel of a gun against the woman’s head.

The woman sobbed and a group of other women sat cowering in the corner behind the man. Judging by their appearances, Gavin knew exactly what this place was, and what this man was going to try and do. It made him sick.

He watched Connor’s eyes squint slightly, clearly calculating the risk of shooting. Gavin figured it was too much when the perp said, “Drop your weapons, now!” and Connor held his hands up, kneeling to put his gun on the floor.

Gavin cursed and followed his lead. The man held the woman tighter, pointing his gun at the two of them.

“It’s already over,” Connor said, using his negotiation voice. “Already the building is full of officers, with more surrounding as we speak. It would be best to give in now, and come out alive.”

“You don’t scare me,” the man said, his gun waving about in the air. “You big computer.”

Connor raised an eyebrow. That was a new one. “I assure you I am not trying to instill fear,” he said. “I am simply stating the facts, and suggesting your best course of action.”

“Shut up!” the man said, steadying his gun on Connor. Gavin’s body tensed, his flight or fight responses pumping adrenaline through every inch in his body. At least for once it wasn’t him having the gun pointed at him. “I don’t want to hear your stupid android chatter.”

“I know you don’t want to kill these girls,” Connor said, taking a cautious step forward. “You might even say you love them.”

“I said shut up.” The man’s arm wavered a bit. His eyes bounced between Gavin and Connor, uncertain. 

Gavin glanced at his gun on the ground. He wanted to drop down and pick it up, but not with that gun still trained on Connor’s ever advancing steps. He swallowed hard, his body starting to sweat.

“Just put down your weapon,” Connor said, stopping a few feet away. “And this can all be over.”

The man looked about wildly. For a moment, it seemed like he would give in, like he would put his gun down they would arrest him and then go back to the DPD like heroes. But his red and watery eyes landed on Connor once more, his face contorting into a scowl.

“No,” the man said, his voice a low garble. And just like that, he emptied his clip at Connor, his hand shaking as he shot.

Gavin shouted out and dropped to the floor, scrambling for his gun and returning fire. He got the guy right in the head, his body falling away and the woman crying out, running over to the others in the corner.

Gavin crawled along the floor to where Connor was lying.

“Connor!” he said, sitting up and pulling Connor’s head into his lap.

“I-I,” Connor said.

“Shh, shh,” Gavin told him, running a hand through his hair and looking over his body. Most of the bullets hit the vest, doing no more harm than surface level dents in his skin. But two shots were in his neck, blue thirium leaking all over the floor and now Gavin’s lap and hands. Exposed wires shocked in the air and Connor’s eyes were stuck open.

“I mis...miscalc…” He never finished. The shocks stopped, a deafening silence filling the air as the soft whirl of Connor’s systems go off.

“Connor?” Gavin asked, his body stiff. He shook the body a bit. “Connor.” The LED on Connor’s face has gone out, blending into his skin in a soft grey. “No,” Gavin whispered. “No!” he yelled. “Wake up, you asshole!” He shook Connor’s body, tossing it back and forth in his lap. “You can’t do this to me, Connor. Wake the fuck up!”

Footsteps filled the room as the back-up squad rushed in. Gavin brought Connor’s body closer, hugging it to his chest. He was vaguely aware of someone trying to talk to him but he shook away, the blood rushing in his ear too much to focus on. 

He didn’t realize he was crying until he fished his phone out of his pocket. His blood covered fingers left blueprints on the screen, and his tears fell down, washing parts of his fingers away.

His fingers were shaking too much and it took him three tries before he got the correct number dialed. He held the phone up to his ear, gently stroking Connor’s hair with his other hand, body rocking back and forth.

Please answer, please answer, please answer…

“Hello,” the voice said, a slight surprise tone in it.

“I need your help,” Gavin said, his voice wavering as he sobbed. “Please, Connor, I-I need your help.”

“I’m sending a car.”

Gavin dropped the phone, hugging Connor to his body as he rocked and cried, ignoring the hum of activity around him. He closed his eyes. He didn’t care what anyone else was doing. He was counting the seconds, the minutes, feeling Connor’s body slowly start to turn cold in his embrace.

He didn’t hear Chloe approach, only felt Connor’s body being ripped away from him. He looked up, eyes wild and afraid. Chloe held Connor’s body over her shoulder, her lips slightly pursed. 

“We don’t have much time,” she told him. “Get up and get in the car now.”

Gavin nodded stiffly and followed her directions.

-

Gavin held Connor in his lap in the back seat of the car the whole way. He kept running his hand through the android’s hair, whispering over and over, “please don’t die. Please, Connor, I need you. Please.”

They arrived at Kamski’s house and Chloe opened the back door, once more ripping Connor away from Gavin unceremoniously. She left the door open, rushing inside.

Gavin followed more slowly. He followed his boyfriend’s body through the front door, where piano music filled the air, through a small hallway to the right, and to the entrance of a small room. He didn’t catch a full glance of it, only seeing an operating table with a light shining on it and Elijah, already holding pliers and wearing his glasses leaning over Connor’s body.

Gavin instinctively tried to move towards Connor, to try and hold him and touch him. But as soon as he took a step inside, Chloe pushed him back out, shutting the door firmly behind them.

“No,” Gavin said, his voice a broken whisper. “I need him. He needs me, I...I…”

Chloe placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “He’s in Elijah’s hands now,” she said, her lips forming into a soft smile. “He’s going to be okay. But you need to let him work.”

Gavin’s eyes stung and he realized he had been crying the whole time. He blinked at his dry eyes, rubbing them in a painful twist. “I-I’m sorry,” he said, sniffling. 

Chloe pulled him into a hug, her hands running up and down his body.

“I’m getting you all bloody,” Gavin said, closing his eyes and letting himself sink into the embrace.

“Don’t worry about it,” Chloe told him. She gave him a squeeze and pulled away. “But speaking of, we should get you cleaned up.”

Gavin looked down at himself, holding his shirt out, studying the patterns of blue on him. He nodded and let Chloe take his hand and lead him to the other side of the house. They walked into a bedroom with a large, spa-sized bathroom. 

“You can shower in here,” Chloe told him, typing on a panel next to the shower, the water rushing out at all angles. “And you can wear these.” She opened a closet and pulled out a set of silk pajamas, laying them on the counter. “Leave your clothes on the floor and I’ll have them washed for you.”

“I..” Gavin looked around at the room. He finally looked at Chloe. “Thank you,” he said.

Chloe smiled and nodded at him. “He’s going to be alright, Gavin. Elijah is a genius.”

Gavin huffed half-heartedly. “I sure hope so.”

Chloe left the room and Gavin stripped, his body stiff and tired. He got in the shower, the water the perfect temperature, the pressure massaging his body. He sighed, giving himself a split moment to relax before crumbling. 

He slid to the ground, pulling his knees to his chest and sitting in the corner. He sobbed with his voice, but no more tears came from his dry eyes. He heaved his body, breathing in hard, erratic patterns. He couldn’t stop seeing it. Blue blood pooling around a sparkling wire sticking out of Connor’s neck.

He was dead. Connor was dead.

Gavin hugged himself closer. All he wanted was for Connor to walk through the door, enter the shower and sit with him, holding him, kissing him, comforting him.

Connor was dead and all Gavin could think about was his own stupid self.

Eventually, the pain in his shoulder forced him out of the fetal position. He stood back up, his legs shaking from the effort. He didn’t bother actually washing, just had to get the thirium off. 

Gavin stepped out of the shower, the water turning off as soon as he was out. He grabbed a fluffy white towel from the hook on the wall and rubbed himself down. He eyed the pajama set suspiciously, holding them up to his body. They would be a little big, surprisingly, but they would fit.

Gavin slipped them on, the silk hugging his skin, floating over him like a cloud. He squirmed in it. It was too soft and fancy for his liking. Especially now. He felt like he should be wearing a burlap sack.

Gavin opened the door and stepped out. Chloe was sitting on the bed, flipping through something on a tablet. She looked up at him, smiling. “Better?” she asked.

“Marginally,” Gavin said.

“Well, any improvement is good.” Chloe stood up and grabbed his arm, dragging him to the bed. “You’ve been through a lot today. You should get some rest.”

“It’s the middle of the day,” Gavin said, aware that, at most, two hours had passed since the incident. 

“You need a nap,” Chloe informed him. “Your body has taken quite a strain.” She pushed him onto the bed, grabbing a glass of water off the bedside table, handing it to him.

Gavin took it, not realizing how thirsty he was until then. “I’m not the one that got shot,” he said, looking down at the ground.

The mattress shifted as Chloe sat next to him. She put a hand on his back. “You did the right thing for him,” she said. “A few moments later and there may not have been hope for him.” Gavin didn’t want to think about that. “But there’s nothing more you can do for him now. So please get some rest.”

Gavin nodded and put up no resistance as Chloe tucked him in. The sheets on the bed were also silk, and he slipped around inside them. Chloe brushed his hair off his forehead and he closed his eyes, sighing.

“Thanks, mom,” he mumbled, his body sinking into the bed, his mind shutting itself off. 

Chloe smiled at him and bent down, kissing his head softly. She touched a button on the table and the blinds went down, covering the room in a blanket of darkness. Gavin was snoring before she even left the room.

-

Gavin woke up to a dark room and a headache. He rolled over in bed, looking for his alarm clock to tell him what time it was. Realization dawned on him slowly. He sat up, grabbing for the glass of water and chugging it down.

With a slightly rested head, he was able to take stock of the situation. Earlier that day, Connor had been shot. Gavin had called Elijah and was currently at his place. He crawled out of the bed, stumbling around in the dark until he found a switch that turned the shades up. 

His clothes had been laid out on the foot of the bed, cleaned and folded. Gavin shrugged off the pajamas and got back into his old clothes, trying not to picture Connor’s blood all over them. He opened the door and wandered his way down to the other side of the house. He stopped in the entryway.

The door to the dining room was open and Hank was there, holding Connor in a vice grip.

“Hank, you’re crushing me,” Connor said.

“You idiot,” Hank said, not letting go. “You fucking idiot.”

“Hank…”

Hank pulled back from the hug but holding Connor’s arms tightly. He shook him a bit. “You can’t be so reckless, Connor! There’s no Cyberlife around to just replace your body anymore!”

“Hank, I-”

“No! You don’t get it, Connor. You could have died. For real.” Gavin heard Hank choking back a sob. “Connor, I can’t lose you, too.”

Connor was quiet for a minute, and Gavin watched his face fall, softening a bit. 

“I understand,” Connor said, his voice quiet, only just audible to Gavin. “I’m sorry I worried you. I promise I’ll be safer in the future.”

Hank sighed and pulled Connor back into the hug. “Thank you.”

Gavin took a slow step back. He hadn’t even thought about Hank. He hadn’t thought to call him, to tell him what happened, to say that Connor had...that Connor had...died. He had forgotten all about him. 

And he didn’t deserve it. Gavin didn’t deserve to walk into that room, to join in the hug to celebrate Connor’s return. He was selfish and terrible and he didn’t deserve to be a part of that family. He didn’t deserve to be loved by Connor, to be cared for by Hank. He was a mess, and he didn’t deserve either of them.

Connor opened his eyes, smiling into the hug. They made eye-contact and something inside of Gavin snapped.

Connor pulled away a bit. “Gavin,” he said. Hank turned around and Gavin ran.

He ran right out the doors into the cold, a small layer of snow still covering the ground from the most recent storm. His feet crunched against the snow in fast paces, propelling him away from the house, not even towards the city, just away.

Footsteps followed after him but Gavin kept running. Kept running away from the only family he had ever known. Hank had looked out for him in the academy, had mentored him like a father. Connor had loved him, had taken care of him when he was too much of a mess to do it himself. Even Elijah had dropped everything to help him. And Gavin didn’t deserve that.

The person behind him was catching up, but Gavin wasn’t going to stop. He wasn’t going to stop running until he was alone like he should be. In actuality, he was going to stop when he tripped over a rock and slammed to the floor, the snow only barely cushioning his fall.

He lay there, unmoving, tears on his face. He was crying a lot these days. He hated it.

“Gavin,” Connor said, falling to his knees next to him. “Are you alright?”

“Leave me alone,” Gavin said. He turned his head away from Connor, letting the cold of the snow sink into him. He would just get covered up by the next snowfall and no one would have to put up with his shit ever again.

“Gavin, please,” Connor said. He grabbed at Gavin, trying to pull him up.

Gavin pushed him away, ending up on his back. “Don’t you get it, Connor! I fucked up. I don’t deserve you! So just leave me here!”

“You’re going to get hypothermia.” Connor grabbed at Gavin again.

“I don’t deserve warmth,” Gavin said, pushing him away again.

“Now you’re just being dramatic.” Connor managed to successfully wrap his arms around Gavin, pulling him into a hug, his body warm.

Gavin sniffed, trying really hard to not let it all out again. He failed. He shook his head, weakly trying to escape Connor’s embrace. “I don’t love you and I’m terrible,” he said, sobbing into Connor’s chest. “You died and I didn't even call Hank. I-I-I.” He couldn’t catch his breath. 

Hank came running after them, holding Gavin’s jacket and panting. “Jesus you run fast.”

“Hank,” Connor said, looking up to him, his LED bright red. “I don’t know what to do.” Gavin continued to cry in his arms, not even trying to speak. “He’s never been like this before.”

“It’s okay, Connor.” Hank knelt down next to them and Gavin shook his head. Hank wrapped the jacket around Gavin. “Let’s get him inside okay?”

Connor nodded and effortlessly got to his feet, holding Gavin against him. Hank placed a hand on Gavin’s head as they walked back to Elijah’s house.

Gavin had calmed down by the time they carried him to the living room. 

“Sit him by the fire,” Elijah said. 

Connor set Gavin down on the couch, the roaring flames drying his body. Gavin cursed and rubbed at his eyes. The last damn thing he needed was for Elijah to see him like this. 

Elijah gently corralled Connor and Hank out of the room.

“But-” Connor started.

“I think it’s best if the two of you went home,” Elijah said, shutting the door and walking them to the entryway. “I’ll take care of Gavin.”

“He’s a handful,” Hank warned him.

“We’ll be fine.”

“I-” Connor sighed. “Just…” his body slouched. “Thank you, Mr. Kamski.”

“Always happy to help,” Kamski said, giving him an odd smile. “But do try and not get shot in the future.”

Connor nodded and Hank took his shoulder, leading him out to his car.

“Do you think Gavin is going to be okay?” Connor asked, his LED blinking yellow. 

“I think he just needs some time alone,” Hank said.

“But I don’t want him to be alone. I want to be there for him.”

“It’s been a long day, Connor,” Hank said, looking out at the setting sun. “Human’s need a bit more time to bounce back.”

Connor sighed and nodded, getting in the car.

-

Elijah walked back into the living room, sitting down in the armchair opposite of Gavin, crossing his arms. They sat in silence for a while, the only sound in the room the crackling of wood as it burned. 

Gavin sniffled, his face dry once more. “I should go,” he whispered.

“Nonsense,” Elijah said. “You’ll stay until you’re feeling better.”

Gavin opened his mouth to argue but he was cut off by Chloe walking into the room, carrying a tray of food. 

“I’ve made you something to eat,” she said, always smiling. She walked over to Gavin setting down a plate on the table next to him. It was a simple sandwich and some fruit with a glass of water.

“Thank you,” Gavin said, taking the glass and gulping at the water.

“And for you,” Chloe said, taking a second plate over to Elijah.

“I’m not hungry, Chloe, but thank you,” he said.

Chloe placed the plate down and put her hands on her hips.”Elijah, you didn’t eat breakfast and you’ve been working all day. Now, eat.”

Kamski smirked, putting his hands up in defeat. He grabbed a grape and popped it in his mouth. Chloe nodded at him and then left the room again. 

“So,” Elijah said, chewing the grape slowly. “Any particular reason you ran dramatically out into the snow?”

Gavin frowned, looking down at his lap. He cursed himself for the hundredth time that day. He couldn't’ believe he had let Elijah see him like that, seen him break down and cry. He shrugged, unable to bring himself to talk about it, especially to him.

“You know,” Elijah said, picking up his own water glass and holding it loosely in his hand, “sometimes it’s easier to talk about it with someone who isn’t part of the problem.”

Gavin finally looked up at him, meeting his brother’s eyes. Elijah’s face was still, soft in a way Gavin didn’t know was possible.

Gavin shook his head. He had already cried in front of the guy, what was expressing his reasoning really going to do? “I just know I don’t deserve him,” he said. “Connor’s too good for me. And honestly? He deserves better.”

Kamski scoffed and Gavin squinted at him. 

“You decided that Connor needed a better man so you ran away,” Elijah said.

“Well, yeah,” Gavin said, immediately regretting his decision to talk to him.

Elijah shook his head and put his glass down. “Well, maybe it’s true,” he said. “Maybe Connor does deserve better.” Gavin prepared himself to get up and leave, he didn’t need to hear it from Elijah. “But I’m guessing that Connor likes you?”

Gavin relaxed a bit. “He, uh, he loves me actually.”

Elijah nodded. “So Connor wants to be with you but you’d rather leave him.” It was a statement, not leaving any room for argument. So Gavin just nodded. “Gavin.” Elijah uncrossed his legs, leaning forward. “The solution to your problem is quite simple.”

Gavin rolled his eyes. “Do tell me, oh great one.”

Elijah chuckled softly, leaning back into his seat. “Gavin, all you need to do is become the man that you think Connor deserves.”

Gavin furrowed his eyebrows. “You mean, change myself into a better person?” Elijah nodded. “Impossible.”

“They said it was impossible to make an android that could pass the Turing test,” Elijah said. “So I really don’t think you can use that argument.”

Gavin slumped down into the couch, posture be damned. “I should go home.”

Elijah sighed softly. “If that is what you wish. I’ll have Chloe drive you home.”

“Uhm,” Gavin said as the two of them stood up. “Thank you for...you know.”

Elijah smiled, his eyes glancing down briefly. “Anything for my baby brother,” he said, looking back up at him.

And the slight pain in those eyes makes Gavin crumble even more. Of course, Gavin only calls him when he’s in trouble, when he needs his help. He hadn’t talked to him since the dinner, had only really thought about him when Connor was dying. He grumbled, wanting to walk out of the room and go back to never speaking. But Elijah deserved better. And maybe, maybe, Gavin was capable of that.

“How about dinner Saturday,” he said. He twitched out a smile, unable to actually laugh. “I promise not to throw up in any more statues.”

Elijah did his best to keep his face calm but he couldn’t mask the surprise eyebrow rise. He nodded slightly. “Saturday it is.”

Gavin smiled at him and went out into the foyer. Chloe was waiting for him already. He was already fearing the Saturday night dinner, but with any luck, he could convince Connor to go with him again. 

If he didn’t fuck it up any further. He really hoped he didn’t fuck it up further.

-

Chloe dropped Gavin off at his apartment and he realized that he never ate that sandwich. All he had in his fridge that was edible was the leftover from the dinner Connor had made last night. Was it really only last night? Gavin sighed. It was the longest day in human history.

He closed the fridge again and grabbed his phone out of his pocket. The battery was dead so Gavin plugged it in and went to take an actual shower, this time not curling into the corner and crawling.

He had a voicemail on his phone when he finally got himself clean. It was from Connor. He let it sit there for a while, while he got himself in a pair of normal pajamas. He settled in bed, his stomach growling at him, and listened to the message.

“Hi, Gavin.” Connor’s voice filled the air and Gavin closed his eyes, imagining him there in bed next to him. “I hope you’re feeling better.” His voice sounded strained and weird. “I thought you’d like to know that I’ve made a full recovery, since we didn’t really get the time to talk.” There was a long moment of silence and Gavin peaked at his phone, making sure the message was still playing. “I’m sorry I was so cold to you this morning.” Gavin shut his eyes again, shaking his head. Connor wasn’t the one that needed to apologize. “I understand that you need...space. But…please call me when you’re ready. We need to talk.”

The message clicked off and the room fell into silence. Gavin curled up in bed, hugging a pillow to his chest. He still had Connor’s old jacket in his closet, but he wasn’t going to stoop that low again. 

Gavin wasn’t really all that tired, so he just lay there in the dark, thinking about what he was going to say to Connor. He had a whole speech planned out by the time he finally fell back asleep.

-

Gavin got up and went to work the next day as if nothing had happened. He sat down at his desk, a cup of coffee in hand and looked over to where Hank and Connor usually worked. Their desks were empty.

“Reed!” a voice called out to him. Gavin looked up and watched Fowler storm over to his desk. Just what he needed, a lecture on tagging along to cases that weren’t his. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh, working?”

Fowler crossed his arms. “You were witness to trauma,” he said. “You should be at home.”

“He’s fine,” Gavin said. “He was only dead for a few hours. It’s not that bad.”

Fowler huffed. “Go home, Gavin.”

“I’ve got a case to work.” Gavin flipped his computer screen on. 

“Miller can finish that up,” Fowler said. “He’s trying for detective next year, he could use the practice.”

“Look, I’ll sign whatever fucking waiver you need me to prove I’m not psychologically damaged. Just let me do my job.”

Fowler’s face softened a bit. “Fine,” he said. “But desk work only.”

“Perfect.”

Gavin stayed at his desk all day, doing his piled up paperwork. It was mind numbing and stupid, but it kept his attention off the empty space on the other side of the room. A few hours of work later, Tina rolled over, slapping a bag on fast food on his desk.

“Dude,” she said, “your stomach’s noises are super annoying.”

Gavin scoffed. “Thanks,” he said, opening the bag and grabbing at the food.

“So, like, you okay?” Tina asked. She sat on the other side of his desk, eating her own meal. 

Gavin nodded. “Yeah. I just, uh, had quite a day.”

“I bet.” Her words were muffled by the food in her mouth. “Not every day you see your boyfriend die.”

Gavin closed his eyes, picturing it against his will. “Yeah.”

“At least he came back,” she offered. “That’s good right?”

“Yep.” Gavin sighed. “Now we just have to...talk.”

“Ohh. That sounds horrible.”

Gavin chuckled at her. “It will be, I’m sure.”

“But you guys will be fine. I know it. You’re like, an oddly good couple.”

“Thanks.”

-

After work, Gavin did the hard thing and drove to Hank’s house. He sat in his car outside, just staring at the house, going over the possible conversation in his head.

Connor peaked out the window again. “He’s just sitting there.”

“He’ll come in when he’s ready,” Hank told him, sitting on the couch. 

Connor turned from the window. “I should go out to him.”

“He’s probably just gathering up the nerve.” Hank glanced out the window. “I’m sure he’s fine.”

“But what if he thinks I don’t want to talk to him.” Connor’s LED blinked yellow for a bit. “I should go out there and get him.”

“Connor, if there’s one thing I know about Gavin, it’s that he needs time to think before he does something, especially something social.”

“I know but-”

“Just let him be. He’ll be okay.”

Connor groaned a bit. He slumped into the couch next to Hank, moping. 

Hank laughed at him. “Two birds of a feather,” he said.

Connor was about to ask him what he meant when there was a knock on the door. Connor sprang up, rushing to open the door. “Gavin!” he said, pulling the man into a hug. 

Gavin was stiff for a moment, but eventually, his arms came up, circling around Connor’s waist, hugging him back. “It’s uh, a little cold out here,” he said.

“Oh. Yes.” Connor stepped back into the house, keeping a hold on Gavin as he moved. He kicked the door shut and just stood there, hugging him. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t,” Gavin said. He buried his face in Connor’s neck. “It’s my fault.”

Connor shook his head, his grip tightening. “No, it was mine.”

“How about it was both of yours,” Hank suggested.

Gavin looked up at him. He tried to pull away from Connor but the android wouldn’t let go. “Connor, you’re squishing me,” Gavin told him.

“Yes,” Connor said. 

Gavin smiled and went back to the hug, closing his eyes and resting his head against Connor’s chest.

Hank cleared his throat and stood up. “I’ll give you guys some space.” He walked down to his room, closing the door.

Connor sighed, contentedly, and kissed the top of Gavin’s head. 

“Connor, we should talk,” Gavin said.

“Yes.”

They didn’t move and Gavin laughed. “Okay well, there’s nothing you need to apologize for, okay?”

“I shouldn’t have just left,” Connor said. He put a hand on Gavin’s head, petting his hair softly. “Especially not when what happened, happened. I could have died with you mad at me.”

“Connor I wasn’t mad at you.” Gavin successfully broke from the hug, still holding Connor’s waist, Connor still holding Gavin’s shoulders. “If anything I was mad at myself.”

“But...I messed up,” Connor said, his face contorting in confusion. “I said something I shouldn’t.”

“No, god, Connor, no.” Gavin sighed, leaning forward and resting his forehead on Connor’s chest. “I’m the one who messed up.”

“I don’t understand, Detective. It’s what I said that upset you.”

“God, you’re such an idiot,” Gavin mumbled. “Connor nothing you did was wrong. I’m the one who messed up by not being able to feel things.”

Connor furrowed his eyebrows. 

“If anything,” Gavin said. “You should be mad at me.”

“But I’m not. I love you.”

Gavin groaned. “I know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault!”

Connor stepped back, breaking their contact. 

Gavin covered his face with his hands and groaned. “I didn’t mean to yell, sorry.”

“Gavin, perhaps it’s best if you explained everything. Because, I’m not sure I’m following what’s going on.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I should.” He grabbed Connor’s hand and they sat down on the couch. “Connor, I feel..” he trailed off, not remembering the last time he even used that phrase. Connor was quiet, patiently waiting. “I feel horrible because I don’t love you but you love me.”

“Hank says that everyone falls in love at different rates,” Connor said, tilting his head, shaking it a bit. “You shouldn’t have to feel bad about that.”

“So you’re not hurt that I don’t love you?” Gavin asked.

“Of course not.”

“But you left! And you were distant!”

“I was...being defensive I guess.” Connor chuckled a bit. “I guess you’ve worn off on me. I was so hurt the last time we fought, I was trying to avoid the pain by not feeling anything at all.”

“Take it from someone who does that literally all the time,” Gavin said, “that’s no way to handle a situation.”

“Yes, I see that now. But I’m really not upset with you. I was so concerned that I had ruined it, that I had...scared you or something. I was honestly just terrified.”

“Connor, can I ask why you love me?”

Connor smiled, his face brightening and his body straightening a bit. “You’re an incredible person, Gavin.” Gavin scoffed. “You are. You’re incredibly dedicated, and you care so deeply about your friends, something that I find a great deal of humans lack. You never stop working on a case until you solve it, and, well,” Connor shrugged, a blush forming on his cheeks, “you’re cute.”

Gavin laughed. “Being cute doesn’t exactly count. Looks fade, you know.”

“Above all that,” Connor said, scooting closer and grabbing Gavin’s hands, “you put me before yourself.”

“No I don’t,” Gavin argued. “I’m selfish. I didn’t even think to call Hank after you died.”

“You’re not, though. Remember when we fought last week?”

“I try not to think about it.”

“Well, I do. And I remember that when you were angry, and you didn’t want to see me, you put that aside and came to talk to me to make sure I knew we weren’t broken up. You cared about me more than yourself.” He smiled. “How can you not love someone who does that for you?”

Gavin’s face fell and he let go of Connor’s hands. “You do that for me,” he whispered. “And I don’t love you.”

Connor cupped Gavin’s face in his hand, forcing him to look up. “Gavin. We’ve only been dating for three months, not even. It’s okay if you don’t love me now.”

Gavin choked out the words he was too afraid to think about. “But what if I never do, Connor. I don’t know how love works. What if I can’t do it, what if I can’t love you? I would think that by now, I would, that-that after watching you die I would feel it but I don’t. I-I can’t.”

He was crying again and his bit his lip, trying desperately to stop it.

“Then I’ll just have to produce enough love for the both of us,” Connor said.

“How could you live like that, knowing that my emotions only go so far?”

“Do you like me, Gavin?” He nodded. “Do you enjoy spending time with me?” Another nod. Connor’s smile widened. “Then I’m happy.”

Gavin laughed out a sob. “How?”

“I don’t know.” Connor shrugged. “But I know that I want to be with you, no matter the situation.”

Gavin shook his head and wiped off his face. “God, I’m a mess. Good luck putting up with me.”

Connor pulled himself closer, wrapping Gavin up in another hug. 

“So, uh,” Gavin coughed, “what’s it like to be dead?”

Connor hummed a bit. “Strange,” he said. “I’m not frightened of death, but I did worry about you, and Hank, and Sumo. I didn’t want to leave you all.”

Gavin smiled, melting into the hug. “I’m glad you’re okay. I don’t know what I would have done if you stayed dead.”

“I must thank you,” Connor whispered. “In fact, if you weren’t there with me, I may have.”

Gavin blinked. “You think?”

“I know. If you hadn’t called Elijah, I wouldn’t have been fixed. If you weren’t there, the back-up would have shown up, seen me shut-down, and considered it hopeless. So, it was a good thing you were there.”

“Huh,” Gavin said. “So I guess next time you won’t be so adamant about me leaving then, huh?”

Connor’s body rumbled as he chuckled. “No. It was still incredibly dumb and dangerous and you had just as equal a shot of getting attacked as I did.”

Gavin laughed with him and snuggled into the embrace. He closed his eyes, listening to the sweet hum of Connor’s systems operating. He didn’t feel love. But he did feel that golden ball of radiance in his chest again.

And he figured that would be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I PROMISE< I SWEAR< THE NEXT FIC WILL NOT BE SO SAD  
> it's actually goign to be kind of funny and v cute  
> I swear <3  
> Thank you for reading this tho, I love and appreciate each and every one of you :3


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